How many times have you screamed "If you loved me, you'd stop!" at your husband or son after a particularly nasty bout of drinking? How many times has your wife or sister promised to cut back—to drink only on special occasions? How many times has your heart been broken when this time turned out to be just like all the times before? If you are one of the nearly 80 million Americans affected by someone's drinking, this book is for you.

Driven to make sense of her own 40+ years of experience coping with loved ones' drinking problems, Lisa Frederiksen found answers in the emerging brain research and scientific studies. What was missing was research that explained the family member's experience. What were they supposed to do, and what would happen to them if they didn't do it?

First published in 2009 and still in demand today, "If You Loved Me, You'd Stop!" was Frederiksen's first of six books dedicated to helping family members answer these kinds of questions. But a decade later, there is so much more to share. This updated version includes research advances that explain –– what it is about coping with a loved one's drinking that is so harmful to the family member's physical and emotional health and quality of life –– why alcoholism is a brain disease and what it takes to treat it and why alcoholism is different than alcohol abuse –– and what adverse childhood experiences, secondhand drinking, and toxic stress have to do with all of this.

This 10th Anniversary Edition not only shares these important advances in comprehensible language, but it offers suggestions for helping yourself. Because no matter how much you love someone whose drinking affects your life, and no matter how much they love you back, love will not and cannot make them stop. The good news is that it's entirely possible for you to truly enjoy your life –– whether your loved one stops drinking or whether you continue your relationship with them, redefine it, or end it altogether.

Additionally, this 10th Anniversary Edition can help those who struggle with a drinking problem understand what has happened to them and what they can do to change and/or treat it. It can also help family members whose loved ones have an opioid or other drug use disorder. Educators; treatment and medical professionals; family law practitioners; juvenile and criminal justice professionals; community, business, and public policy leaders and others whose work involves substance use disorders and their impacts on family members, co-workers, and the community-at-large can benefit from reading this book, as well.

ENDORSEMENTS

__If there is just ONE book you are going to read, make it this one. A powerful, educational, guide for families, mixed with Lisa’s personal story, that will help them understand alcohol use disorders, learn how to handle the gripping fear, and transform their relationship with their loved ones. —Katie Donovan, Author, Speaker, Family Recovery Coach and Founder of A Mother’s Addiction Journey.com

__This book is outstanding and should be a seminal read for all families. Period. Alcohol plays too large a role in our lives and society and the consequences of untreated alcohol use disorders are too horrific and common for us to lack the understanding of subtle differences between healthy and unhealthy drinking behaviors, disease progression, treatment options, and the stages and lifestyles of recovery. —Fay Zenoff, Executive Director of Open Recovery

__Lisa’s user-friendly book gives the reader hope and a better understanding of how a loved one’s drinking or other drug use disorders turn families upside down and how they may regain their balance. —Carolyn Younger, MFT, Family Program Director Muir Wood Adolescent and Family Services

__Lisa Frederiksen’s book, “If You Loved me, You’d Stop,” is a book of hope. It leaves the reader with the understanding that resiliency and dignity can emerge out of facing adversity. Through her voice of experience coupled with her extensive research, she provides an extraordinary book of knowledge and wisdom that is written in a clear and understandable manner for those navigating the painful path when a loved one is in the grasp of addiction or abuse of alcohol/drugs. —Elizabeth Holt, Psychotherapist, LPC, ATR-BC, SEP

__A must-read for family members in order to understand why a loved one keeps drinking in spite of the problems it causes and what the family member can do to help themselves. Gregory Pryor, CEAP, CPS, Army Substance Abuse Program Manager at Ft. Irwin National Training Center    

Lisa Frederiksen has 40+ years of personal experience with secondhand drinking, a concept she first introduced in 2009. Working to overcome its impact, she's spent the last 16 years studying and simplifying the newest brain and scientific research on topics related to those experiences. These topics include alcoholism, drug addiction, alcohol and other drug use disorders, mental illness, co-occurring disorders, the family member's experience, toxic stress, adverse childhood experiences, codependency, brain development, and childhood trauma. Lisa founded BreakingTheCycles.com in 2008 to change, and in some cases simply start, the conversations on these topics. She has appeared as an expert guest on a variety of television, radio, and Internet radio programs, as well as authored hundreds of blog posts and articles for other publications. She is a nationally-recognized keynote speaker with over 30 years' public speaking experience, and the author of twelve books, including Loved One In Treatment? Now What! and Secondhand Drinking: The Phenomenon That Affects Millions. She consults with individuals, families, and organizational clients throughout the United States and from as far away as Kenya, Mexico, and Ireland. For more about Lisa Frederiksen, visit BreakingTheCycles.com and LisaFrederiksen.com.