Neglect's Toll on a Wife

When a woman marries a man with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), it rules their lives. His preoccupation with order, control, rigidity, and minutiae leaves no room for emotional, conversational, or physical intimacy. Friendships, laughter, spontaneity, trust, and flexibility are eschewed for the sake of verbally managing myriad daily details and rules, such as avoiding buying slightly bruised bananas at the store, making sure the heater at home is never set above 64 degrees, and never touching the walls in the house lest they get dirty. When the wife reads that marriages with a spouse who has OCPD typically end in divorce, she is determined not to end up that way. This book chronicles her journey over the course of almost 20 years, describing her emotional hardship and loneliness as she copes with a husband who glacially transforms from a clinical robot to a caring yet still sometimes oblivious companion. This book is not meant to advise, but to come alongside other spouses, children, parents, siblings, family members, and friends of people whose OCPD rules their relationships. While there are therapists who specialize in helping people manage personality disorders, there are very few non-textbookish materials out there on the subject of OCPD.

When a woman marries a man with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD), it rules their lives. His preoccupation with order, control, rigidity, and minutiae leaves no room for emotional, conversational, or physical intimacy. Friendships, laughter, spontaneity, trust, and flexibility are eschewed for the sake of verbally managing myriad daily details and rules, such as avoiding buying slightly bruised bananas at the store, making sure the heater at home is never set above 64 degrees, and never touching the walls in the house lest they get dirty. When the wife reads that marriages with a spouse who has OCPD typically end in divorce, she is determined not to end up that way. This book chronicles her journey over the course of almost 20 years, describing her emotional hardship and loneliness as she copes with a husband who glacially transforms from a clinical robot to a caring yet still sometimes oblivious companion. This book is not meant to advise, but to come alongside other spouses, children, parents, siblings, family members, and friends of people whose OCPD rules their relationships. While there are therapists who specialize in helping people manage personality disorders, there are very few non-textbookish materials out there on the subject of OCPD. Characteristics of OCPD, according to the Merck Manual website: "People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are preoccupied with order, perfectionism, and control of themselves and situations. To maintain a sense of control, people focus on rules, trivial details, procedures, schedules, and lists. This preoccupation interferes with their ability to be flexible, effective, and open to different ideas. Rigid and stubborn in their activities, these people insist that everything be done in a specific way. "Because they are so dedicated to work, they neglect leisure activities and relationships. They may think they have no time to relax or go out with friends. They may postpone a vacation so long that it does not happen, or they may feel they must take work with them so that they do not waste time. Time spent with friends, when it occurs, tends to be in a formally organized activity (such as a sport). Hobbies and recreational activities are considered important tasks requiring organization and hard work to master. Their goal is perfection. "These people plan ahead in great detail and do not wish to consider changes. Their relentless rigidity may frustrate co-workers and friends. Expression of affection is also tightly controlled. People with this disorder may relate to others in a formal, stiff, or serious way. Often, they speak only after they think of the perfect thing to say. They may focus on logic and intellect and be intolerant of emotional or expressive behavior. "People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder may be overzealous, picky, and rigid about issues of morality, ethics, and values. They apply rigid moral principles to themselves and to others and are harshly self-critical. "These people are rigidly deferential to authorities and insist on exact compliance to rules, with no exceptions for extenuating circumstances. "People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder may be reluctant to spend money, which they think should be saved in case of future disasters."

Lila Meadowbrook is a writer living on the West Coast of the United States with her husband and two children. She has worked as an editor, photographer, researcher, and blogger, and loves traveling abroad. She'd love to walk the entire California coastline or e-bike across Europe.