Arctic Bloodbath

I was hatched in 1971. I grew up in a glorious time when we could throw trash directly out the windows of our 11 mpg car/boat while simultaneously stuffing endless chocolate creme filled doughnuts in our fat faces while chainsmoking Camel lights with the windows up. We listened to hair metal and were fiercely partisan about our favorite bands. There were no speed limits and you could drink and drive as much as you wanted. In fact, if you were pulled over for having your car on fire or pointing a gun at someone, the cop would probably call you a loser for not being shitfaced. Anyways, the world is now a messed up place and my genius is underappreciated. These days you cant look at someone sideways without them being offended and possibly filing a lawsuit. Rape, murder and drunken driving are strict no nos. The older I get the more I want to flee from humanity and set up my own Utopian commune led by myself, my angry Dutch fiancee Marjoke, Mr. Munch the asshole pit bull and possibly an iguana or ferret named Schlaazbot. Marjoke will be very against the idea of a lizard or ferret and I fear for my life once she reads this bio. Right now I live in Sabattus, Maine(you can pronounce it 'super bad ass' if you want) on a lake. Around the lake there are endless dollar stores, meth labs and hill people. It is a glorious place. I want to put sharks or alligators in the lake but I also like to swim in it so I am somewhat conflicted. Plus, have you seen the price of illegally importing a bull shark lately? Jesus titty fucking christ. Anyways, I wrote this book out of a combination of boredom and my discovery of psychedelic drugs. They are great and you should take lots. I tried to make the book as absurd and demented as possible but I feel as though I have failed. Its not absurd to think it could be more absurd. What if someone writes a book that is so absurd and chock full of non sequitors that my book seems tame by comparison? I get locked in a vicious thought cycle of absurdity and that leads to more drugs. Sorry Mom. Anyways, because you are reading this you are probably deciding whether or not to buy the book and let me encourage you to do the right thing and buy 3 or 4 copies. I will sign them if I ever meet you at one of the dollar stores here in town and I'm not short on time. A purchase of 20 books or more will get you an honorary citizenship to my soon to be created off grid Utopian paradise. You can help pick the national anthem or state flower and maybe even come visit if you aren't a heavy mouth breathing moron or smelly or fat. Some things I like: motorcycles, dinosaurs, buried treasure and the search for aforementioned buried treasure, alligators in lakes, sharks in lakes, islands, Mr. Munch, my fiancee, my family, George Carlin, Queensryche, meeting other weird people, alternative energy, living off grid, natural disasters and sushi.