Dr. Biddeldorf Goes to Hell

An archivist in the Library of Congress stumbles across the work of Dr. Harry T. Biffeldorf, Professor Emeritus of Political Science, UC Berkeley. Biffers, as he is known in the pubs around Berkeley, is summoned to Hell to bring order out of chaos. For a management-systems kind of guy, it’s the opportunity of an after-lifetime.

The ruling council of hell directs Truman Capote to fetch Dr. Harry T. Biffeldorf, PhD, Professor Emeritus, Political Science, at UC Berkeley. It’s time to call in his IOU. “Now this is really elegant. See, hell isn’t really so much a place as it is an institution to be preserved. Actually, we registered with the IRS as a 501(c)(3) nonprofit corporation. We promote chaos theory.” “Huh?” “Oh, come on! You’re the only person in all of eternity who gets the chance to impose order on mayhem. It should be a blast, really,” Capote said. “Just what in hell is it this company wants to accomplish?” “You want the book answer or the truth?” “Pick one. Then move on to the next.” “Okay,” said Truman. “Here’s the book answer. We have three goals. First, hinder all good things. Second, keep mankind confused about right and wrong by distorting the context. Third, wrest control of the universe out of God’s hands.” “And the truth?” “We lost the battle when Moses had a chat with a burning bush. The only choice left is to fight a delaying action.” “That’s it?” “It’s all we have been able to come up with.”

The author chooses to remain anonymous to avoid getting blamed for Dr. Harry T. Biffeldorf’s scandalous report, Fixing Hell. Purportedly an archivist at the Library of Congress, he sees his career going up in smoke if he is found out, not to mention the eternal consequences should he wind up in hell.