Description
Cyrus Magellan Mellon and Wilson Maramlade Doorstaff have been best friends since their youth.
In financial dire straits, Wilson jubilantly discovers his father's long-lost treasure map. Fleeing dangerous Loan Sharks, the IRS and a burning Victorian mansion (which Wilson was supposed to be looking after), Wilson, his lethargic son Lloyd and Assistant Benny Hwang haul-ass from Kansas City down to Wilson's cave-riddled property in Arkansas in search of treasure. After a chaotic journey, slamming in an RV through the steep and pitted dirt roads of the backwoods, the trio arrive. There they are united with Cyrus Magellan Mellon and his lovely daughter, Jennifer Aubrey Mellon. Jennifer and Benny are whip-crack intelligent. Wilson's son Lloyd is sedentary, entitled and has an astounding ability to simultaneously form an erection and crap his shorts. Somewhat effete and utterly charming, Wilson Maramlade Doorstaff is privileged in the extreme. He's elated to reunite with his very best friend in the world, Cyrus Magellan Mellon, a delusional, kind-hearted, drug-addicted, clinically psychotic man of fifty who spends most of his time underground extending cave systems. Alone. With his Demons. He knows weaponry and the backwoods like the back of his hand. Cyrus served in the Marines in Vietnam before raising his daughter Jennifer on his own. (Jennifer's mother ran off with her meth dealer.) Raised without a touch of female influence, Jennifer is a redheaded tomboy in the extreme.
Both Wilson Doorstaff and Cyrus Mellon, best friends, are, well, just insane enough... At their core they are both kind-hearted.
They're eccentric enough that they will make you laugh. The humor in this tome ranges from over-the-top to so dry you might not catch it. (The British will. God bless 'em, they're good with that.) Back to the plot:
Cyrus deeply believes a terrifying Demon haunts the Ellis cave system, which is located under Wilson's property. Cyrus has a penchant for hunting the lurking Demon, blowing all sorts of things up and informing complete strangers than he
"IS A MELLON."
Wilson, a self-proclaimed "strenuously-cultivated alcoholic," believes that he's a refined man of culture and is overtly proud of his rotund son Lloyd. Lloyd's poetry, which is exclusively swan-based and fairly painful to read, is one pillar of the Doorstaff family's legacy of literary talent.. It's really, really, really bad poetry. Lloyd suffers, according to his father Wilson, from a
"rare-but-all-too-common" medical condition called IBS-EOF. It stands for "Irritable Bowel Syndrome--Erectile-Over-Function" You'll see. It's gross. Yep. I went there...Juvenile.. You'll see. Moving on,
Benny Hwang, Wilson Doorstaff's hired Assistant is a med-school dropout who utilizes his keen intelligence to aid in the utterly insane "clusterfkucs" which tend to ensue daily. Every element of their adventure that could go wrong indeed does go wrong. Read on and follow this intrepid team of innocent and kind souls into the hell of utter blackness in search of riches and in search of mental salvation. Rugged terrain, explosions, erection-crapping, bonfires, booze, laughter, and love. Onward.