The CoolKids

An overly idealistic hardcore straight-edge vegan high school senior tries to hold his trendy clique together as graduation threatens to tear them and everything they stand for apart.

The CoolKids is the story of the last week of high school for instantly iconic idealist Bartholomew Moriarty. Bart is no ordinary teenager; he’s that one kid in every class, whose superior worldview and punk rock shoot-from-the-hip style make him a thorn in everyone’s side. He’s the product of a scene now 30 years in the making, leaning on words like “integrity” and “credibility” to bridge any gap in logic, and he advocates with fire and brimstone from one of the most extreme teenage points of view: Hardcore Straight Edge Vegan. The suburban tranquility that surrounds him is in marked contrast to his music and its militant call to rebellion as well as his obsession with the brands that define his identity and the superiority that adherence to his own strict code creates. Bart is caught up in the struggle of the ages: metalheads against jocks, jocks against crombies, crombies against muggles, muggles against metalheads, and everyone against that fringe group of Hardcore Straight Edge Vegans. It’s a heated battle, the coveted title of The Coolkids has been at stake for many years, but that is all coming to an end next week, that crown being laid to rest at a ceremony called graduation. As leader of his cutting edge clique, his gang’s idealism starts to change as the forces of graduation push them to make choices about their future; rumors of friends going off to college and getting jobs push Bart to a state of paranoia as his social movement seems to be coming to an abrupt end. If he can stop graduation, convince his friends not to go to college, or prove their superiority to the other cliques and take his movement to a wider audience, just maybe he’ll be able to save everything he’s fought so hard to establish.

Hollywood called saying The CoolKids was "the funniest teen novel ever written" soon I had a big-time agent, was sitting on casting couches in Studio City and having lunch in Beverly Hills restaurants with people who talked to other people on their cell phones more than they talked to me. Soon there were publishers, agents, lawyers, a script in development, big name directors attached, and I was said to be the first writer to get a major merchandise deal and soundtrack with Warner Bros. before the book/film deal, we even recorded one song with a well-known band. Along the way, The CoolKids was also called offensive, insulting, politically incorrect, and even racist. But alas, option after option the rebellious teen lead was slated for Macaulay Culkin, which soon turned into Kieran Culkin, who turned to Haley Joe Osmet, to Michael Cera, to Robert Iler (AJ from The Sopranos) and even Angus Jones from Two and a Half Men, who I was told would "grow into it." After 10 years of being "in development" the novel was unceremoniously returned to me, along with a nameless note that The CoolKids was "too trendy" and might not be relevant "next year when the film comes out." So, rather than go the John Kennedy Toole route, here is the novel that set Hollywood abuzz. Maybe Rowley from Diary of a Whimpy Kid will grow into the role next. In addition to The CoolKids, I've also written a non-fiction memoir about my time in the music business entitled The Horror.