Letters to My Daughters

A dad shares his heart and wisdom with his three daughters regarding a life-changing decision: marriage. Through 52 personal letters to Kari, Lisa, and Julie, Paul Friesen pens his insights on the importance of convictions, character, considerations, and chemistry as they relate to relationships.

As Paul Friesen’s daughters began to attend college, he started to email each of them a series of letters sharing some thoughts regarding the second most important decision of their lives: marriage. As their friends at college started to hear about these letters, they asked to be added to the email list of those receiving them. And as adults with high school and college-aged children started to hear about the letters, they asked for copies as well. To make a long story short, in the end the letters were compiled into a book. Although the original letters were written in random order as topics came to mind, they have been sorted here into four major categories. Each section discusses certain characteristics of a potential spouse (and also of the reader) that should be considered before marriage. Some characteristics are matters of preference and compatibility; others should be regarded as non-negotiable. The initial few letters are introductory in nature. Following those are letters in the Convictions section, which address spiritual matters. Here, a mismatch with one’s potential spouse should be a “deal stopper.” These include having a personal relationship with Christ, the source of ultimate authority in one’s life, and commitment to God’s Word. The section on Character introduces traits that are critical to a vibrant marriage: Does your potential spouse have a “servant heart”? (And do you?) Is he a person of integrity? Is he willing to truly leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife? Letters in Considerations cover issues of compatibility. A few differences in these areas may not merit breaking an engagement, but if enough differences are counted up, there may be reason to pause and think, to discuss, or to seek counsel. Living with a  mate who enjoys what you enjoy is much more enjoyable! The Chemistry section includes letters that address the need for (and the implications of) physical and emotional attraction and how to handle them before marriage. While chemistry is vital to a thriving marriage, if experienced too deeply too soon, it can cloud one’s vision and judgment. The final letters offer summary insights from a dad who longs for each of his precious daughters—as well as every reader of these letters—to be better equipped to find, recognize, and appreciate the spouse she (or he) has always wanted. These letters were written specifically with Paul Friesen's daughters (Kari, Lisa, and Julie) in mind. Each relationship is unique, but our prayer is that the issues raised may also be helpful and clarifying to you and may help you to make wise decisions as you face the “second most important decision” in your life.

Paul Friesen and his wife, Virginia, were married in 1976 and are the parents of three girls. Paul and Virginia are the founders of Home Improvement Ministries (H.I.M.), a non-profit organization dedicated to equipping individuals and churches to better encourage marriages and families in living out God’s design for healthy relationships. Paul writes, teaches, and counsels. He and Virginia regularly speak together at marriage, men’s, and women’s conferences across the country, as well as at family and parenting seminars. They have an ongoing ministry with professional athletes and direct family camps each summer with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at Campus by the Sea on Catalina Island. The Friesens have authored over ten books and curriculums on parenting and marriage, including "Letters to My Daughters," "In Our Image," "Raising a Trailblazer," "Before You Save the Date," and most recently, "The Marriage App." Paul has a Doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy and a Master’s degree in Family Ministry, both from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. Before founding Home Improvement Ministries in 2003, he was on staff at Grace Chapel in Lexington, Massachusetts, where he served for nine years as the Director of Men’s and Family Ministries. Paul and Virginia’s greatest joy in life is knowing that their children are “walking in the truth.”