Why You're A Terrible Customer

What do naked chicks, drunks, junkies, assholes and the homeless all have in common? Pizza. They all order pizza. Whether it's with food stamps or a duffel bag full of recyclables. They all find some way to pay for their pizza and ruin the night of those unfortunate enough to be stuck on the wrong end of the order taking counter. As a delivery driver, I can tell you right now, I'm absolutely fed up with having to internalize the more ludicrous actions of these cretins. I know I'm not alone in this frustrating battle of the tards either. That's why I want to bring a little awareness to the social missteps of these individuals as well as direct some attention towards the more unfortunate trends that are cropping up in society today. Employees, employers, girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends, strangers, we're all in this together, and a few common sense tactics, or even just a simple awareness of our own continued stupidity based on my rather potent pizza delivery anecdotes can make our collective ride through this life a whole hell-of-a-lot more pleasant for everyone involved.

We're running out of problems as a first world nation. Sure, our schools are a mess, we mortgaged our future to the Chinese government and the average lifespan of a black male in the inner-city is 26, but those trivial inconveniences come a distant second to the real American plight. Naturally, I'm referring to the pervasive dipping cup dilemma that's currently plaguing our society. If you're unaware of this current day crisis then let me be the first to fill you in. Pizza delivery drivers everywhere are forgetting our dipping sauces. These soulless drivers are forcing us to devour delicious pizza slathered in mozzarella and soaked in rich marinara sauce, all without a vat of liquefied butter to dip it in. Think about the children here people. How is little Johnny supposed to eat an extra large meat lovers pizza without a half-gallon of ranch dressing? We might as well tie a trash bag around Snowflake's head and club him to death with a rusty spoodle because that's really the only humane option left. Don't even think about calling the store and politely asking for your side of BBQ sauce to be re-delivered. That'd just be absurd. The only real solution is to huff some paint thinner, throw on our finest cut-off flannel T’s and threaten to stab the 19 year-old junior college dropout that's getting paid minimum wage to try and help us with our order. Let's get real here people. Your missing marinara cup isn't the end of the world. Neither is a delivery that took 35 minutes instead of 30. Yet judging by the reactions that I received you’d think that I’d just set fire to the maternity ward at Cedars-Sinai. And these tend to be the calm and collected reactions from our more sober customers. Just imagine what transpired when I dealt with customers that were high, naked, drunk or foreign. That's when the real fun began. That's also what Why You're A Terrible Customer is all about. It's a detailed account of customers taking meaningless shit way too seriously and how our interactions eventually devolved into a series of amusing, absurd and frighteningly hostile situations.

Wayne Stadler is a pizza delivery guy, record label owner and writer. He is the owner of Pacific Ridge Records, which is an indie label that has released material by chart topping artists such as All Time Low, Four Year Strong, Jonah Matranga, I Can Make A Mess, Allister and Punchline. Stadler has written for a number of different outlets including music e-zines Purevolume.com and Alreadyheard.com. He currently resides in San Diego.