Sure Dad, You Know Everything

There’s an old Yiddish expression which loosely translates as follows: “Opinions are like tushies; everybody has one.” (I cleaned this up a little; OK, so maybe something got lost in the translation.) Now as for me, I only have one tush, which is plenty. But I’ve got a million opinions and lots of advice to hand out. Give me a subject and I’ve got something to say. It’s like a disease—I just can’t keep things to myself. You see, my book was originally intended to be an essay for my children—15 years ago (oy!). It was to be a kind of whimsical ABC guide to life through a father’s silly, passionate, cynical, sensitive, offbeat, serious and sometimes jaded eyes. The children are both young adults now (at least chronologically), so they are still not supposed to pay much attention to anything I have to say. But before they put me into the home, I decided to impart my precious wisdom, handed down from generations (well, not really), and commit my pontifications, witticisms and quips to writing. You know, my dos and don’ts, my philosophies, my observations and perceptions, my musings on life’s unanswered questions, etc. Anyway, some people I respect encouraged me to turn all this into a book, suggesting that others might be interested in reading about my take on the universe. (Ultimately, you’ll decide if that was a good idea—or not). So I took their advice and, lucky for you, I’ve got lots to discuss. If you’re interested in tongue-in-cheek humor and a veritable cornucopia of useless information, with a little bit of stream of consciousness and plenty of cross-references thrown in, you’ve come to the right place. There is something for everyone, so you’re bound to find a section of interest. In my subtle and not so subtle ways, I’m offering lots of advice; not just to my children, but to anyone else reading. So you might want to take some copious notes. I’m like a volcano, with my creative juices flowing, endlessly spewing my incessant ramblings and diatribes. I can riff about life’s inconsistencies with sarcasm, cynicism, racy language and a touch of irreverence (well, maybe more than a touch). Hoping not to offend anyone, I can rant and rave about anything and everything—and being completely ignorant about a subject doesn’t stop me at all. Oh, and you may want to check out the innuendo; I’m big on innuendo. And by all means, please read between the lines; there’s plenty there too. It’s a lot of fun. But you shouldn’t take me too seriously. I don’t. When I was a little boy, I was quite inquisitive. My uncle would answer my endless series of questions with: “What, are you writing a book?” Well, I guess now I am. But I should have paid a lot more attention. Please don’t look here for heavy themes like the purpose of life. But I do wax poetic about hundreds of other topics. Sorry, I don’t have all the answers, and I’m not always right; I’m just mostly right. Fortunately, I was the product of good parenting, learning the difference between right and wrong. Unfortunately, I’m afraid that many struggle to really understand the difference today. Even though the subjects are arranged in alphabetical order, they actually appear randomly on the pages (they call that dichotomy). Serious follows stupid, which follows self-deprecation, and on and on. Open the book anywhere and read away, as there really is no beginning and no end. I’m sure you will find it quite riveting. But reading this book from cover to cover will drive you absolutely crazy. Would you read an encyclopedia from beginning to end? Of course not. It’s best to pick it up, read a few pages and then find something else to do. Trust me on this. My head has already exploded several times. It took me 15 years to write this, so it will likely take you 10 years to read it. I'll sum up my redundant and rambling themes this way: do the right thing, be nice, be smart, be yourself, chase your dreams, make a difference and be proud. Simple enough, right?