In
2008, I was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder, Type I, featuring psychotic
manic episodes characterized by thoughts of grandeur, delusions, and
hallucinations. Often when I open up about that to someone who knows me, I get,
“What’s that like?”
I
guess I don’t exactly fit their perception of someone with a mental health
issue. I’m not like that person they see in the media, the one who lives with
something like bipolar disorder and all its negative stereotypes and stigma. I
like those conversations I get to have with them afterward to try and explain
what it’s like for me to go manic, to show them a peek behind the curtain into
what I experience when I’m psychotic.
The
main reason I like those conversations is that I know it’s nothing like they think
it is. They come in with this idea that mental health issues, including
psychosis, are a cookie-cutter diagnosis. That somehow, we’re the same as the
people they see in the media committing unthinkable acts. But for most us out
there fighting, it’s nothing like that.
So,
what I’ve decided to do is try and recreate those conversations for you by
writing a piece of fiction about what it’s like for me to have a manic episode.
I wanted to show you, to the best of my limited literary skill, what it’s like
to experience psychotic elements that blur the line between fantasy and
reality—taking you into “the Spin,” where my manic life is chaotic, hectic,
unpredictable, and seemingly out of control.
Contrary
to popular belief, my psychosis does not make me evil. In fact, when I’m manic,
I believe I’m fighting evil for a good cause. Very much like other manics, my
mania is filled with a shitload of spiritual elements and symbolism. I’ve taken
elements from these manic episodes and layered them on top of a favorite story
of mine. I hope this will convey some sense of what it’s like in my manic mind
right before I get committed.
Like
manic episodes that can come and go seemingly when they will, this story
doesn’t have a traditional beginning, middle, and end. During my first manic
episode, I went to bed seemingly fine one night and awoke seeing and feeling so
much crazy shit that I thought someone had drugged me with hallucinogens. The
next couple of weeks felt like a couple of hours, with that story ending
abruptly when I came to in the suicide watch wing of a psych ward in Denver.
This
story is short and hopefully comes at you fast, with no real answers in the end.
Leaving you with only a weird, ambivalent anticipation of what will come next. The
same feeling I have after coming back down from my psychosis.
I
also talk to myself constantly when I’m manic, so you will see a lot of internal
dialogue to give you a sense of that state of mind. One last thing: I really wanted to imitate the feeling of my
mania running wild in my mind, so I added short bursts of mixed memories from
my past episodes—manic flashbacks. This also ties all the episodes together,
just as the episodes during my psychosis in real life are tied together.
I’ve
planted a few other surprises to give you as close to a manic experience I can.
My hope is that this story will help change the negative stigma and stereotypes
that are still strongly out there about mental health issues. I hope that showing what my psychosis feels
like will help others out there to keep fighting theirs as well.
Perception
is reality, and we need to start trying to change that toward the positive for
mental health issues. This is my contribution to that cause. So, without
further bullshitting: This is what that’s
like.