How To Embalm Your Little Sister And Other Useful Skills

Short ebook description: If you like tales about classroom dilemmas, singing princesses, wizard schools, talking dragons or very small people pilfering thimbles, this book is not for you. However, if you prefer to read narratives about sharp objects, fatal injuries, vicious puddles, frighteningly fresh fruit, talking sand (that refuses to be quiet) and hordes of undead then read How To Embalm Your Little Sister And Other Useful Skills.

Do not read this book. The world is full of lovely books to fill readers with joy. You can befriend cute characters and sing cheerful songs. You can choose to be transported to magic meadows with rainbow-colored, talking unicorns. You can enroll yourself in mythical schools of marvelous magic. You can conquer a school bully, fall in love, solve a crime, or walk with a hero from history. Reading a book can be a delightful experience. There is nothing pleasant in this book. No one enjoys the company of lawyers. You will find it uncomfortable to sleep on cold rocks. It is exhausting to walk for miles through harsh terrain. Concealing dead bodies is a grisly task. You will not enjoy the disagreeable creatures within these pages. Not only will they attempt to kill you, but they do not practice good personal hygiene. Blood, mucus, eyeballs, teeth and burnt flesh should be excluded when books are written. Sadly, they will be spattered on you, should you choose to read this book. Your throat will be sore after repeatedly screaming, “Don’t go in there!” Your eyes will grow tired as you read about endless hordes of undead. You will be suspicious of bread and fearful of puddles. You should avoid this book and then your throat, eyes and appreciation for baked goods will remain intact. This book will introduce you to: • A tall boy who wears a musty coat with way too many pockets. • A girl who always wins at hide-and-seek. • A small girl who is uncommonly fond of stabbing. • A colorful girl who says way too many long words. • A pile of sand with an annoying personality. You will learn important skills like: • How to deal with tentacles when your sibling is drowning. • How to care for injuries such as cuts, bruises, broken ribs, paralyzing poison and gangrene caused by the undead. • How to find water when dying of thirst. • How To Embalm Your Little Sister And Other Useful Skills.

A tightly sealed black plastic garbage bag appeared one morning on the chair located in the cubicle occupied by Vernon P. Measley, a clerk in a large publishing house. Opening the bag with suspicious curiosity, Vernon discovered a bundle of filthy newspapers. The newspapers surrounded a stained manila envelope with the words “Print This” scrawled in dark green crayon. Vernon opened the envelope and found crumpled, double-sided pages printed in a miniscule font. Vernon pushed the envelope deep into his muddy brown bag, intending to open it again when he returned home. After a busy day of delivering items between very important people and enduring scolding from people who must remind others they are very important people. Vernon’s busy, uninteresting days were followed by nights in his one room apartment watching singing competition television programmes. The envelope was forgotten in the bottom of his bag. A bolt of misfortune struck deep within Vernon’s life. While returning home from work, Vernon listened to the soothing sounds of Gheorghe Zamfir’s “Einsamer Hirte” on a portable music listening device. Lost in a musical reverie, he barely noticed that a greasy haired girl had bumped into him until she had pulled his bag off of his shoulder and sprinted away down the sidewalk. Stunned, Vernon stood motionless for several seconds before turning around and chasing after the girl. He stopped when he saw his bag stuffed in a trash can, the tinny sound of the pan flute playing from the earbud speakers. The contents of the bag had been emptied into the trash can when the girl had taken Vernon’s portable listening and personal computing devices produced by a company named for a piece of fruit. As he collected his items from the trashcan Vernon retrieved the envelope with dark green crayon writing and carefully returned it to his bag. When he returned home Vernon was shaking. He was in no mood to watch the semifinal round of “American Singing and Dancing Superstars!”. He sipped milk and read the contents of the envelope. The pages were written by an author identifying himself as Darius The Dark. Mr. Dark scrawled the following in crayon on a fast food restaurant napkin: Mr. V. Measley, I have entrusted you with the enclosed documents. It is critical that they are published immediately in order to prevent the events chronicled within from being erased by those who endeavor to conceal the truth. I have entrusted you with this task as you have access to a large media publishing outlet. Also, the anonymity of your insignificance will prevent these pages from falling into the wrong hands. I will contact you again with additional documents for publication. Vernon read the wrinkled papers carefully. When he was finished he took on an iron and ironing board and carefully smoothed each page. Gheorghe Zamfir’s “Unchained Melody” playing from his portable music listening device tucked securely in his pants pocket. When all the pages were flattened and carefully aligned, he placed them in the document feeder of his printer and pressed the “SCAN” button. Several minutes later the text appeared on the screen of his portable tablet computer. Using the email address of the Vice President of North American Media and entering the name of her Himalayan cat “Fluffy1” as the password, Vernon inserted the submission from Mr. Dark in the electronic publishing queue.