Do not read this book.
The world is full of lovely books to fill readers with joy. You can befriend cute characters and sing cheerful songs. You can choose to be transported to magic meadows with rainbow-colored, talking unicorns. You can enroll yourself in mythical schools of marvelous magic. You can conquer a school bully, fall in love, solve a crime, or walk with a hero from history. Reading a book can be a delightful experience.
There is nothing pleasant in this book.
No one enjoys the company of lawyers. You will find it uncomfortable to sleep on cold rocks. It is exhausting to walk for miles through harsh terrain. Concealing dead bodies is a grisly task. You will not enjoy the disagreeable creatures within these pages. Not only will they attempt to kill you, but they do not practice good personal hygiene. Blood, mucus, eyeballs, teeth and burnt flesh should be excluded when books are written. Sadly, they will be spattered on you, should you choose to read this book.
Your throat will be sore after repeatedly screaming, “Don’t go in there!” Your eyes will grow tired as you read about endless hordes of undead. You will be suspicious of bread and fearful of puddles. You should avoid this book and then your throat, eyes and appreciation for baked goods will remain intact.
This book will introduce you to:
• A tall boy who wears a musty coat with way too many pockets.
• A girl who always wins at hide-and-seek.
• A small girl who is uncommonly fond of stabbing.
• A colorful girl who says way too many long words.
• A pile of sand with an annoying personality.
You will learn important skills like:
• How to deal with tentacles when your sibling is drowning.
• How to care for injuries such as cuts, bruises, broken ribs, paralyzing poison and gangrene caused by the undead.
• How to find water when dying of thirst.
• How To Embalm Your Little Sister And Other Useful Skills.