All The Times That I Cried

My name is KC and I am an alcoholic. I spoke those words over 30 years ago for the first time. I meant them then and I mean them now, though I haven't had a drink since I spoke them. As a young teen, I drank to escape a life I thought that I couldn't live. And though I'm smiling now, I'll always remember all the times that I cried.

My name is KC and I am an alcoholic. I spoke those words over 30 years ago for the first time. I meant them then and I mean them now, though I haven't had a drink since I spoke them. Alcoholism is a disease and its causes are many. But it can be arrested if the alcoholic wants it to be. I did. I didn't take my first drink because it tasted good. I took it alone. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I drank to escape a life I thought that I couldn't live. I thought I had a reason to drink; that I could blot out the self-doubt and tragedy that befell me at a young age. But I couldn't. My escape became a trap. I realized that my life was no more than a death, which came from a whiskey bottle. I didn't want to live it anymore. It wasn't easy to face the past. It wasn't easy to accept the things I couldn't change. But I did. And though I'm smiling now, I'll always remember all the times that I cried.

This book contains two years of my life, from the age of 15 to 17 years old. Although it is a gut wrenching book to read, my hope is you won't make the same mistakes as I. Unfortunately, I paid for the pain. Through no fault of my own, the pain was given. I fell through the cracks with my church and school. No one reached out until it was too late, the self-destruction was set. Living with suicide is an ugly truth the family must face. My family had to face it completely alone. (Not to speak of it was a crucial mistake for my family!) For the first time since 1977, my parents have been speaking with me about Freddie. I found out for myself, not to speak about the horrors of Freddie, would almost kill me. The memories I will share with you through this book, are memories I locked in the deep corridors of my mind. I thought not to speak of those horrors, I would be able to live a normal life. But in reality, it pushed me into 32 years of living with monsters. With the third monster being the worst. Because of the pure ugliness of the third beast, and the torment I endured from its offspring, I sought the help I so desperately needed. May God and all His mercy, not allow you to go through the hell I've endured. I truly pray you never have to learn through experience, only knowing through the reading of my books. If you find yourself in the blackness of the abode deep within the abyss, just remember: a small flicker of a matchstick will light up the darkest cave! Don't let go of the smallest light, for there is where you will find hope, love, and a trust. No matter how empty the abyss leaves you, as long as there is a breath left in your body, you do have a fighting chance. Hang on and don't let go, for God does love you even if you don't think so! Thank you for letting me share this part of my life with you, and may you always be blessed. KC Clawsom