30 Days to Clarity(ish)

Disclaimer: This journal isn't just for practicing or recovering Christians. The primary purpose of this journal is to act as a guide in heightening your awareness of why you believe what you believe, how you came to your current conception of a higher power, and understanding how your past experiences have impacted your belief system. I want to be very clear that this journal is not to be used as some sort of gatekeeping tool for those with a specific shared experience. This book is for everyone. Full stop.

Disclaimer: This journal isn't just for practicing or recovering Christians. The primary purpose of this journal is to act as a guide in heightening your awareness of why you believe what you believe, how you came to your current conception of a higher power, and understanding how your past experiences have impacted your belief system. I want to be very clear that this journal is not to be used as some sort of gatekeeping tool for those with a specific shared experience. This book is for everyone. Full stop. ... I have spent the past six years deconstructing my faith and a large part of that, especially in the beginning, was done blindly. Don't get me wrong, earning a Master of Divinity has afforded me a multitude of privileges that many others do not have when they begin deconstructing their own religious belief system. Knowing how to navigate through the original scriptural languages, theological libraries, etc... have definitely given me a head start. In 2015, after walking away from full time pastoral ministry, I had zero resources to support me in the process of deconstructing my religious belief system. Instead of seminary colleagues or other clergy members, it was the people in my 12-step recovery program that offered me stability and reassurance. Within the rooms of recovery, the act of borrowing someone else's higher power is as common as going into Target for toothpaste and leaving with $137.64 of who knows what. So that's what I did. I took the suggestion of borrowing the concept of God that rang true for a handful of my friends in recovery. When nothing seemed to "click" I went on to exploring Atheism and then camped out for awhile in Agnosticism. As time passed, I was able to tolerate the questions, "What do I REALLY believe?" and "Does it even matter?" I then began researching theologians that fell outside of my conservative theological training and learned to embrace an un-boundaried conception of God. I recognize that this journal will not be for everyone. For some, it may affirm what you already believe. If that's your experience, may the time you spend reflecting over the next thirty days bring a new depth of assurance to what already resides within you. I can imagine there will be those of you who purchased or were given this journal and are expecting it to fix or resolve the frustration, questions, doubts, or confusion you've been living with. To you I would like to offer this encouragement: it will take as long as it takes, and that is okay. Whether you find yourself completely deconstructing your belief system or you are longing to be able to articulate why you believe what you believe, increasing your level of tolerance with unpleasant emotions and/or feelings will be vital. My ultimate hope will be satisfied if a handful of individuals find a sliver of clarity within these pages. Remember, although it may feel as if you have been swallowed up into a void of darkness with no exit or light to guide you, it is you who is the light. I am sending love, light and gratitude your way as you embark into the following pages of this journal. May you find yourself 30 days from now, with more clarity than when you began.

Leigh Krahl is a native Houstonian who now resides in Dallas with her beloved dog, Tex. Through sharing her own experiences of overcoming religious trauma as a former clergy member and the deconstruction of her faith, Leigh, better known as "the gay ex-pastor" on her TikTok page (@user1985) uses her seminary training to teach others the importance of critical thinking as it pertains to our religious belief systems. Raised within mainline Protestant denominations, it wasn't until her freshman year at Texas Tech University that Leigh began seeking after any sort of relationship with a higher power. After graduating with her Bachelor's degree from Tech and completing a year long internship with a campus ministry, Leigh relocated to Wilmore, Kentucky to pursue a Master of Divinity from Asbury Theological Seminary. Halfway through her graduate coursework, Leigh sought help in overcoming her 10 year alcohol addiction and began working a 12-step recovery program. Although Leigh no longer aligns with the conservative lens through which she was trained, she is profoundly grateful for the experiences and relationships that took place at Asbury because they lead to her sobriety. Following the completion of her M.Div., Leigh accepted a Senior Youth Minister position within a United Methodist Church in Mississippi. While the time she spent serving at this church did bring moments of unparalleled joy and connection, consequently, it was behind the closed doors of weekly clergy meetings, that Leigh quickly encountered the dark underbelly of the religious institution. After serving nearly two years in full time pastoral ministry and with the help and guidance of her beloved mentor and friend, Dr. J. Ellsworth Kalas, Leigh resigned from her position due to the toxicity within church leadership and politics. After her resignation, Leigh returned to Asbury in hopes of completing a second graduate degree in Spiritual Direction. Instead, she found herself pushing back on the "money and numbers don't matter, just love people" rhetoric she had so blindly bought into while earning her Master of Divinity. Frustrated with the lack of receptivity and acknowledgement that perhaps this approach was not setting soon-to-be seminary graduates up for success in the local church, she decided to unenroll from further study at Asbury. Leigh then began working with a therapist who specialized in religious trauma and dove into the deconstruction of her religious belief system. Within this work, Leigh was able to uncover her own internalized homophobia which led her to finally coming out of the proverbial closet. Throughout the past six years, Leigh has relentlessly trudged through left over religious guilt and shame resulting in her commitment to showing others there is freedom beyond the walls of the religious institution.